the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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