The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
