Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
