did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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