Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
