My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
