sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
