they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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