U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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