You work out of a Hotel?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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