ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
