I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
