My nipple is on Facebook.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
