Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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