I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Randomize
