I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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