he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
