You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
