i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
