We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Randomize
