cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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