You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
