I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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