I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
