well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
