I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
