Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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