Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
