When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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