For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
