I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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