Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
