Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
