White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
