This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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