Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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