This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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