Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
