Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This house was built for laser tag.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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