I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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