Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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