Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
