ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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