Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
