I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
