I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
