I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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