the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
