Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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