I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
