I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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