whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
